Inside the mind of an insane vampire
by Eris not Eros
Summary: A one-shot about a mentaly insane vampire who always loses arguments to the voice inside her head. Written by Eris.


**(A/N) This is just a little one-shot that I thought up and wrote in one day. I thought it would be amusing to write about a mentaly insane vampire. Very tiny spoilers for Breaking Dawn!**

**Written by Eris.**

**Note:** The font changes between normal, _Italics_, and **bold** depending on who is thinking/talking.

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything in relation to Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series...gee...what did you expect...this is just a fanfic guys._

* * *

**Inside the mind of an insane vampire**

Am I mad? Perhaps I am. I think I am the only truly insane vampire in the world. Some vampires, such as one vampire known as Alice Cullen of the Olympic coven, began in a mental hospital during their human life. I had been in a mental institution since…since…

_Since you were five._

Ah yes…since I was five years old. You see, I have a voice in my head that I have conversations with.

_I am a completely independent thought process from you._

And so that is why I was locked away in a mental hospital. Of course most vampires, when they are turned, realize that what they have is some kind of gift.

_For example Alice Cullen discovered her talent as a seer._

Yeah…that…so anyway, as I was saying, when I was turned I just became even more insane.

_You are not insane to hear a voice in your head._

Completely and totally insane. Before, I would hear the voice maybe like once or twice a day. Now the voice is a constant companion to my unstable mind.

_You are not insane._

Oh…and I must mention…I keep on losing arguments with the voice. And by the way, if I'm not insane, then why do I have a voice in my head?

_It would be considered insanity to __imagine__ a voice in your head._

You are my imagination.

_I am really here, you are not imagining me, and therefore it is not insanity that drives you to answer back._

Hey…am I talking to a voice in my head or not?

_Just because I do not have a physical presence does not mean that I do not exist._

You exist in my head.

_It is still an existence, even if I must live through you._

Blah-de-blah. la la la...

_Oh how mature._

I was turned when I was thirteen, I am not expected to act mature.

_You are now half a century old, perhaps you should have learnt by now._

Did I mention that I keep on losing arguments with the voice?

_Well I am the more intelligent one._

I am NOT arguing with you any more on that one.

_You must excuse my physical half; she appears to be neglecting her duties of telling this story._

Oh look at you with all your fancy words…um yeah…the story.

_Start with when you were turned._

Awwww…but that was ages ago.

_Stop whining._

Mneh….ok…the turning. So, there were these creepy vampire people trying to create an army of newborns, right? They were all like ganging up on us and killing off all the caregivers and security guards.

_The vampires wanted the mental patients because they thought that being mental was a sign of a special talent or power in the next life._

And I just got stuck with you.

_The story…_

Ah yes. So…they were all like let's turn all these mental kids and we were all like screaming and running.

_I told you running wouldn't help._

But I did anyway.

_It was a foolish thing to do. Nothing can outrun a vampire._

Well I know that now.

_Do you know that you are easily distracted?_

I am?

_Perhaps I should continue to tell the story._

No! No! I want to do it. I'm the one with the body here.

_And I'm the one with the brains._

Oh shut up you…

_The vampires caught you and turned you. During your transformation-_

Hey, I'm telling the story! Hmmm…when I was changed I was like screaming my lungs out and all that.

_It was as if each cell of your body was being torn to shred simultaneously. The blistering pain tore through your body like the fires of hell-_

Oi! Stop that!

_You were the one taking your time about it._

Ok…so it was painful and all, but it was all good once the pain stopped. And then I was completely like wow!

_That sentence is not even grammatically correct._

So what? Vampire powers are awesome as. We can like see really really good.

_Well__. We can see extremely __well__. Vampires have a brilliant sense of vision, as well as an enhanced sense of smell, touch, and hearing. The physical aspects such as speed and agility are also-_

-totally awesome dudes!

_That was impolite._

Hey, you're the one interrupting my story.

_Hypocrite._

What does that mean?

_Never mind. Continue with the story._

And so I was then like full vampire – and the other vampire people were like 'we're going to train you to become warriors'. The voice said that it would be like a good idea to learn how to fight good – I mean well.

_I have nothing to say._

Then they got us to fight some battles for them while they just sat their lazy asses on the sidelines and made us do all the dirty work. After like a year they started calling us newborns up one by one. No one returned to tell us what happened, but I think that we were being promoted from being newborns or something.

_Sigh. Sometimes I wonder how you would manage without me._

I didn't get to see what happened or anything coz the voice was like 'why don't you run away'.

_I had excellent reasons for telling you to do so._

Well the voice managed to get me to run away.

_After much persuasion._

And I ran all crazy-like away from that place and went off to live in Greenland for a while. Boring as hell that place.

_That is an insult to the people who live in Greenland._

It's mostly ice and snow, except around the south coast where there's like loads of snackage.

_Snackage: meaning food, in this case, humans – or rather their blood._

But you won't let me drink human blood.

_Because it is wrong._

You're not even human.

_That is of little consequence._

Ooooooh – big word.

_You only say that when you cannot understand what it is I am saying._

Blah blah blah – I can't hear you.

_Tsk. Animal blood is not so bad._

You don't know what it is like trying to resist human blood.

_It is not healthy to give in to such temptations. Killing a human, whether the human in question is innocent or not, is wrong, and I will not allow you to do such a thing._

Well you got your way in the end, like you always do.

_Yes._

So ummm…story story story…where was I? Oh, that's right, Greenland. Ok, so I lived in Greenland for like a decade. Then I moved to Russia and just travelled around there heaps. After the cold war I moved to North America.

_You are making it all sound rather boring._

Well it was boring! I had you for company!

_What about that time we went to the States and meet Edward Cullen?_

You mean the mind reader guy? Ahhh…friggin' hilarious stuff man.

_Well I found it quite a relief being able to communicate with a person other than you. Finally I was able to have a civilised conversation._

You just made me sit there all silent like while you have this huge long talk with the mind reader. How does it make any sense that the voice in my mind is good friends with him when I am not?

_It is not as if we have been keeping in contact._

We saw him just last year though, when the Vulturi called us in to witness some fight between their guard and the Cullen's that never even happened in the end.

_I am glad that there was no need for conflict. The Vulturi were making an unnecessary fuss over a little girl who they believed to be an immortal child._

You're the one who wanted me to learn to fight, that's like conflict or whatever.

_In case you ever need to defend yourself from an attack. Since my own life is connected to yours, I would rather not die right now thank you very much. I also wish for Edward, my only friend aside from you, to be safe and happy. It would be most tragic had he perished in a fight between him and the Vulturi guard._

Did I ever tell you that the way you speak really bugs me?

_You have done so frequently. I believe I have also said the same of you, although I phrased it much more eloquently._

Blah blah blah. It's times like these that I wish that I could just like banish you from my head forever.

_You understand that what your wish is impossible?_

Too bad! I'll try anyway!

_Where do you think you're going?_

To find Doctor Cullen.

_You think a doctor can help you?_

Not a normal doctor, but maybe a vampire doctor. Are you laughing at me!

_Yes. I find it very amusing. Perhaps I shall just take a backseat and watch what you do. No doubt it will be very entertaining to say the least._

They still live in Forks Washington right? How long will it take to get there?

_I would say about an hour and a half if you run._

Ok, I'm running then. On your marks, get set, GO!

_In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not racing you, I am you. I advise that you that you stay away from that highway to prevent the humans from seeing you._

When I get you out of my mind I won't have to listen to you telling me what to do all day and night.

_I do it for your own safety._

Oh shut up!

…

…

…

Um…you still there?

_I never left._

We're here.

_I noticed. Edward! Can you hear me?_

He hasn't answered. Hey, there's the doctor guy.

_His name is Carlisle._

Oh yeah.

_Greet him you ninny._

"Hey Carlisle!" There, I greeted him. Happy now?

"**Good evening."**

_Tell him why you're here._

Ok umm… "Hey…you're like a good doctor and all. Can you cure mental people?"

"**I have never tried. Are you the vampire that Edward mentioned with the voice in your head?"**

"Heck yeah. You have no idea how friggin' annoying it is."

_Go on. Ask him to cure you._

"Ok. So I kinda came here to ask if you could get rid of it."

"**Hmm…I could certainly try."**

"Cool!"

_You are so childish sometimes._

I know. "Lately It's been like sooooo frustrating with the voice in my head. It's been driving me insane."

_Ask him where Edward is._

"Oh…the voice just asked me to ask you where Edward is."

"**Edward is at his private cottage with his wife and daughter. He is always there after dark. It would be better if you don't disturb him."**

Hey, it's night time? I didn't notice.

_You were always one to be ignorant._

"It doesn't matter that much. It's the voice that wants to talk to him anyways. You can help me get rid of the voice, can't you?"

"**I will try. Come inside to my office."**

_Go on. Do as the nice doctor says._

I'm going already. Gee! Hey, this is a pretty cool office.

"**Do you hear the voice often?"**

"I can barely get it shut up. It's like constantly there as if it wants to purposely annoy me." I heard that evil laugh.

_I prefer the term 'evil cackle'._

"**I see. Have you ever tried just telling it to go away?"**

"Ha ha, you've got to be joking! I've been shouting at it to go away for, like, forever."

"**Have you asked kindly?"**

"Umm…not really."

"**Try it now and see if it works."**

_Go on let's see if it works._

Umm…voice?...can you please leave my mind.

"Ok…I tried it."

"**Can you hear the voice anymore?"**

Voice? Voice? Are you still there?

"There's no reply. Hmm…it's strange without the voice in my head."

"**Excellent. You see, it you had tried that earlier there would have been no need for you to come to me."**

"Yeah, I guess so. Thanks Doctor Cullen!"

"**Anytime."**

"See ya!"

"**Goodbye."**

Ha ha! No more voice! Yeah-yah! I am soooo totally out of here. Off to Vegas I go! Now the voice can't tell me what I should and should not be doing. Oooooh that is soooo strange not hearing the voice. Kinda a little quiet. Oh well, Vegas! It might be a few hour's run. I could soooo totally go and prank everyone there. That would be like soooo awesome. Still all quiet. Hmm…there's, like, no one to talk to. The voice was always the smarter one, it could think up the meanest ever prank. If I had the voice back- NO! I don't want the voice back! There is no way I want the voice back, even if my head does feel a little empty. Hmm…it is kinda lonely. It's just silence.

...

Silence.

...

Silence.

...

Silence.

...

This silence is kinda depressing really.

_Ha Ha! I knew it! You miss me! You really fell for it! I was never gone and never will be! That was soooo worth the effort to remain silent!_

Ahhhhhhh!!


End file.
